Punishable Puns
by Hopeakaarme
Summary: Captains being lazy means the vicecaptains have to work hard. Of course, this leads to them learning to know each other better. Next year fic. Shounen ai DaviKai.


Disclaimer: I own very little.

A/N: Dedicated to **mamuchan**, who wished for some DaviKai. I hope you like it.

The puns are all in English only because A) my Japanese skills are quite lacking, and B) I do not want to be accused of fangirl Japanese. They are also very, very bad, but that's to be expected of Davide, right?

* * *

Punishable Puns  


* * *

"This is hopeless," Kaidoh sighed, looking at the list in front of him. "Whoever thought of this ought to be shot. Randomly paired teams forming new teams together? Fsshuuu." 

"I think it was the coaches scheming together," his companion pointed out. "A practice tournament in itself is a good idea, but the cross-school teams make me rather cross." He chuckled at his own pun. Kaidoh, however, just glared at him.

"The problem is doubles," Kaidoh said, ignoring the pun entirely aside from the glare. "Well, that and the idiotic captains who'd rather have a match than think of the line-up." He glanced out of the window to the courts where a match was indeed going on. "I ought to punch the idiot. Fsshuu."

"Now, now," Amane tried to calm him. "That's what we vice-captains are for, right?"

"Apparently, since our captains are useless." Kaidoh turned his glare from the match outside to the list of available players again. "We have plenty of choices for the singles and the reserve – two from each team, as per the tournament's requirements – but as doubles teams have to have one person from each team, it's damn hard. We have to use either the idiot or me for singles in addition to Echizen, which means we only have two good doubles teams available at Seigaku – but they both suck if they're separated."

"It's the same for us, too," sighed the other vice-captain. "Our doubles teams are great as they are, but there's nobody who'd do well in an impromptu match-up."

"Which means we're lacking both doubles." The Seigaku player frowned at the player list. "If only we had Eiji-senpai now; he'd surely be able to adjust..."

"Kikumaru-san? Wasn't he the doubles player who also doubled as a singles player?" Another chuckle. Another glare.

"That's not funny at all, you know," Kaidoh hissed. "One more pun and I'll hit you, fsshuu."

"Would you really?" The other boy's voice was more happy than anything, making Kaidoh give him a questioning glare. Amane seemed genuinely delighted at his threat, as though it was a most considerate offer of help.

"Are you an idiot?" Kaidoh asked seriously. "Do you really want me to hit you?"

"Well... Nobody has done that since Bane graduated," chuckled the Rokkaku regular. "It's not as fun without a reaction."

"Bane? Your doubles partner?"

"Yes, that's him." Amane nodded. "He graduated, just like that other doubles partner of yours – the one with the glasses."

"Inui-senpai," Kaidoh said. "He was my only doubles partner, fsshuu. I've only ever played with the idiot out of necessity."

"And necessity's demanded it, what, three times in the last five rounds Seigaku's played in an official tournament? Suuure. Hey, you know what's the biggest river in Egypt?"

Unfortunately – or perhaps fortunately – to Amane, Kaidoh was somewhat good in both English and Geography for somebody of his age. Thus he now smacked the other's head, not appreciating the age-old pun.

"Wow. You hit hard," Amane commented, sounding considerably less upset than might be expected from someone who'd just been hit. "So, what are we going to do about the doubles, Kaidoh-kun?" As there was no response for a while, the other vice-captain apparently busy staring into nothingness, he repeated, "Kaidoh-kun?"

"Oh, just damn it all," Kaidoh suddenly hissed. "You used to play doubles, right? Before your partner graduated?" As Amane nodded, bewildered, he hissed again, though the tone of the sound was more determined than annoyed. "Okay. Let's show those pathetic excuses for captains of ours how to take a tournament seriously..."

* * *

"Oooh, here they come, here they finally come," Momoshiro said, grinning as he saw the two people walking towards the courts. "Looks like our playtime is over." 

"What a pity," Aoi chuckled. "It was really fun to play with you! And the girls here are quite pretty, too," he added, grinning at one of the girls gathered at the sides of the courts.

"They are, they really are." The two exchanged some more cheerful grins. If the Seigaku-Rokkaku team was going to lose tournament, at least it wasn't going to happen due to lack of cooperation on the captains' part.

"Oh, for fuck's sake," Kaidoh hissed as he and Amane walked closer. "What kind of an example do you think you are setting to the teams?"

"Why, exactly the kind of example we should," his captain replied with a self-satisfied tone. "We're showing that even with other things to do the captains are training hard, the captains are training really hard!"

"Oh, sure." A hiss punctuated these words. "If you were indeed doing what you should, you'd make sure the others are practising too and not just gawking at the two of you. You were just having fun, fsshuuu."

"Well, tennis is about having fun, Mamushi," Momoshiro commented. "Did you finish the line-up?"

"Yes, we did," Amane said, hurrying to speak before Kaidoh could snap at the spiky-haired captain, most likely saying something along the lines of 'No thanks to you.' "The names are all in a line now."

Apparently Kaidoh's annoyance at the captains didn't prevent him from also hitting Amane in another kind of irritation. He then turned his glare back at his captain. "Yes, the line-up's ready. We already presented it to the coaches and they gave their approval. Fsshuuu."

"And?" Aoi asked eagerly. "Who's going to play what position?"

"Wouldn't you like to know." There was a hint of almost sadistic amusement in Kaidoh's gaze just then that made Momo suspect he had spent far too much time with Inui-senpai.

"Yes, actually we would, we really would like to know," Momo said. "And I think we have a right to it, too, what with us being your captains and all."

"Well, tough luck." Kaidoh glared at him. "The coaches already approved it, so it's set. You'll get to know when the rest of the team does."

"Oi, Mamushi!" Momoshiro was now – somewhat understandably – irritated. "You're going to keep the line-up secret from the captains? That won't do, that won't do at all! You can't do that, Mamushi!"

"Fsshuuu. Just watch me." Ignoring the other's attempts at starting a fight, Kaidoh then turned towards the players who were all watching the scene. "Everybody 20 laps around the courts, now!" he yelled. Nobody dared not to obey.

* * *

"Where're you going, Mamushi?" Momo asked, adjusting his pace of riding the bike to match Kaidoh's walking away from the school. "Kicking little puppies? Your home's in the opposite direction, you know." 

"Fsshuu." Kaidoh glared at his rival. "If you must know, o high and mighty buchou idiot, I'm going to do some extra practice. The tournament's coming up, you know. You could try it every once in a while, fsshuu."

"Hey!" exclaimed the other in annoyance. "It'd be much easier to practise if I knew what I'm supposed to do, it'd be so much easier! But you won't even tell me the line-up – me, your captain!"

"Idiot." Kaidoh rolled his eyes. "Even somebody with your senses should be able to realize that if you are going to play, it's going to be singles. So just train some more with those idiotic special shots of yours."

"Singles?" Momo cheered up immediately, a big grin on his face. "What'd I get? Singles Two?"

Kaidoh feigned thought. "...Reserve counts as singles, right?"

"Mamushi!" Momoshiro almost pouted. "You bastard, if you've put me in reserve, I swear I'll –"

"Hopefully pay more attention to the next line-up we're supposed to make," Kaidoh interrupted him dryly. Apparently the bandana-clad boy's respect for the authorities didn't really stretch to his current captain. "Calm down, idiot. We actually thought of what'd give us the best chances of winning, and much though I'd like to see your face after it, putting you as a reserve is not that. Fsshuuu."

"Great." Momoshiro grinned. Then, however, he turned questioning. "Hey, hey, what are you playing, Mamushi? Are you Singles Two or Three?"

"Wait until the line-up," was the only response he got.

* * *

"Okay, everybody, listen up," Seigaku's vice-captain yelled sharply, rather different from the previous one's gentle tone. "I'm now going to announce the line-up for our match against the Fudoumine-St. Rudolph's combination tomorrow. If you don't listen, well, tough luck and too bad for you, since I'm only saying this once." 

Everybody immediately got attentive. They'd been waiting for this ever since the team match-ups had been announced. Especially excited was Momoshiro, who couldn't wait for the line-up. He'd been bugging Kaidoh about it every single day, but the vice-captain had stayed adamant.

"First off, our reserve is Rokkaku's Shudo Satoshi," Kaidoh said. "Singles Three will be played by Rokkaku's captain, Aoi Kentaro. For Singles Two, there's our captain, Momoshiro Takeshi, and don't cheer like that, you moron, you look even more idiotic than usually. Singles One will be Echizen Ryoma, and I'll be very upset indeed if he actually plays."

Echizen nodded, obviously having expected this. Momoshiro, however, stopped his celebrating. "Huh?" he said. "What about you, Mamushi? Aren't you going to play?"

Kaidoh ignored him. "Doubles Two will be our Miki Kyo and Rokkaku's Yumine Tanichi. As for Doubles One, it will be played by myself and Rokkaku's Amane Hikaru."

At this announcement, the captain's eyes flew wide. "You? Doubles One?" Momo gawked. "Since when were you a doubles expert, Mamushi?"

"I'm doing well enough, considering our results lately," Kaidoh replied dryly, finally turning to look at the captain. "Never mind last year; you didn't complain about my doubles playing back then. And Amane's good at doubles, too. We've been practising regularly against other doubles pairings and we should actually have a chance."

Momoshiro smirked. "Well, winning against any pairing with Echizen in it isn't that much of an accomplishment," he said. "Neither is it good if one of your opponents is Horio. So, don't get so triumphant yet, Mamushi, don't get so triumphant."

"Fsshuuu. Like I'd ever play against either of them in doubles," Kaidoh hissed. "It'd be a waste of time."

"Then who did you play against?" Momo asked. "You can't have won anybody else, you just can't!"

"Er... Momo-buchou?" Miki Ryo said with an almost embarrassed expression. "They beat us six games to three."

"Whuh?" Momo blinked. "What do you mean, 'us'?"

"Well, us," Miki Kyo snapped. "Ryo and I. The Miki-Miki pair, if you remember. You know, your usual Doubles One combination."

"They – they beat you?" Momo was, if possible, even more shocked. "Mamushi and Amane? A totally made-up pair actually beat our Golden Pair number two?"

"We're sorry, Momo-buchou!" Ryo said miserably. "We didn't mean to lose, they just – they just won!"

"And we're going to do it tomorrow, too," Kaidoh said confidently. "I expect you to put the fear of Seigaku in them for us, Kyo-kun."

"We'll see," replied the snarkier of the twins. However, at one glare from the vice-captain, he gulped. "I mean – of course, Kaidoh-fukubuchou!"

Miki Kyo may not have been an easy person when he had a bad day. However, he still had nothing on the vice-captain.

The chances of a victory at Doubles Two, Inui might have said, were considerably high if Kyo could do anything about it.

* * *

The Seigaku-Rokkaku Doubles Two pairing was doing considerably well, taking into account they had never played together before. Both were experts at doubles, Yumine's strength backing up Miki Kyo's somewhat explosive playstyle. At the very least their combination was clearly better than that of their opponents. However, nobody dared to get triumphant yet – the match had just about started. 

Although it seemed the Doubles One match wasn't about to start for a while yet, the players were warming up already. Well, Kaidoh was warming up – Amane had produced a mirror from somewhere and was currently busy fixing his hair.

Suddenly, there was something very cold and wet in his head. With a yelp, he turned around to glare at Kaidoh. The other boy was holding up a water bottle, the contents of which had just been shared with him without his consent.

"Stop that," Kaidoh hissed. "We're supposed to play, not model. Fsshuu."

"I'm not allowed to look good?" Amane raised his eyebrows, somewhat annoyed.

"You look better without all that damn hair wax," his partner replied. "You remind me of the idiot with the way you're trying to hold it in place, fsshuuu."

Now, Amane blinked in surprise, the annoyance leaving him. After a moment, he said, "Well, we can't have that, can we? Something like that would affect your playing, and we're not here to play around."

He was somewhat unsurprised as Kaidoh hit him over the head. "You don't have the time to fix it again, fsshuu," the darker boy said. "Just tie it up or something and get start warming up."

"Fine." And, indeed, Amane tied up his hair. Kaidoh seemed unsurprised, but Amane's teammates stared. Apparently they weren't used to seeing such a thing happening.

"Ah, that Mamushi," Momoshiro said, shaking his head. "He's already bullying his partner. I can't understand how they'd be any good together, I just can't understand at all."

"Well, let's just wait and watch," Aoi said with a cheerful grin. "It's not like our opponents can have an excellent combination either, right?"

"That's our only hope, I guess," the other captain sighed. "That's our only hope."

* * *

"Game to Ishida-Kaneda pair, two games to four!" 

"Fsshuuu." Kaidoh glared at their opponents. "That's not a fucking strategy they're using. It's called 'brute force', fsshuuu."

"I'm sorry, Kaidoh," Amane said. "I should have been able to stop that shot."

"Not your fault," Kaidoh sighed. "You're an expert at heavy balls, yeah, but Ishida's even stronger than last year. We're still in the lead, too."

"The ball was heavy like lead, though." Amane chuckled.

"Idiot." Kaidoh knocked him on the head with his racquet. "Try to concentrate."

"I am concentrating."

"Then look like it."

* * *

"No way. They actually are good," Momoshiro gasped as he watched the match. "That's surprising, that's really surprising!" 

"Somewhat, yeah," Aoi said. "Amane takes the heavy balls at the net and Kaidoh-san wears the opponents down until they make a mistake. It's good pressure on the opponents!"

"That Hadoukyuu is tricky, though," Echizen said. "It's not as strong as Kawamura-senpai's was, but it's giving them trouble. Let's hope it won't take them down."

"Aw, Echizen, don't be so pessimistic," Momoshiro laughed. "Like Mamushi'd lose to something his senpai used so much better!"

"The Doubles Two surprised us already," the cap-clad second-year reminded, nodding to where Yumine was looking rather gloomy. "We weren't supposed to lose that one, were we?"

"Well, that's only because Kyo-kun got a ball on his head and we had to forfeit," Momo pointed out. "That doesn't count, that just doesn't count at all!"

"But, Momo-buchou," Echizen said seriously, "wouldn't a Hadoukyuu force somebody to forfeit even more certainly?"

This made Momoshiro fall silent.

* * *

It wasn't supposed to get through. If not Amane's expertise at returning heavy balls, Kaidoh's stubbornness should have returned it – he hadn't practised with "the idiotic powerhouse player" so many times for nothing. However, the Hadoukyuu slipped past Amane's racquet, and Kaidoh's strength was not enough to make it successfully back over the net. 

This was, of course, arguable. He might have been able to return it just fine if only the thing that met the ball would have been his racquet and not his head.

A gasp went through the audience as Kaidoh fell down on the ground. If they had to forfeit this match, too, the Fudoumine-St. Rudolph team would have won two matches by hitting their opponents in the head. And, like Echizen had pointed out, a Hadoukyuu was one of the most destructive shots they'd come across.

"Kaidoh?" Amane asked, sounding worried. "Kaidoh, are you okay?"

For a moment, there was silence, and everybody was convinced Kaidoh had lost consciousness. Then, just as they were about to call for the paramedics, there was a quiet hiss. "Fsshuuu. Like that'd keep me down."

Kaidoh pushed himself up, revealing a rather large bruise already starting to mark the side of his face. There was a fire in his eyes, though, that promised little good to their opponents.

"That Kaidoh-san really doesn't give up easily, does he?" Aoi asked, sounding somewhat relieved. "Even when he's bleeding he'll just continue!"

"Don't be an idiot, Kaidoh," Ryuzaki-sensei snapped. "You can't be all right after such a hit!"

"I'm just fine," snapped the vice-captain. "I know my name and the date and that two plus two equals four, and yes, Momoshiro, you're holding up three fingers, so just let me be and continue the match!"

"Well, I guess Mamushi's well enough," Momoshiro said with a somewhat strained laugh. "He'd better not lose after giving us such a scare, though!"

"Fsshuuu." Kaidoh glared at their opponents, who had already apologized for the shot. "I really hate that Hadoukyuu. The match has to end soon for us to get rid of it, but I'm not about to lose, fsshuuu."

"So, it's a win-win if we win?" Amane looked more happy than anything to receive yet another hit on the head. "Great, you're all right."

"Did you doubt that?" Kaidoh raised an eyebrow. "Okay, Mister Not-So-Funny, let's end this stupid match."

* * *

"Game, set, and match," the referee announced. "Won by Kaidoh-Amane pair, six games to three!" 

"We won, right?" Kaidoh asked, as though he hadn't heard the referee's words.

"That's right," Amane replied, for once not even trying to make a pun out of it. "We won."

"Fsshuuu." And, with this, Kaidoh lost his consciousness.

There were a lot of yells then, ranging from "Vice-captain!" to "Mamushi!" Even their opponents seemed startled. The only one who moved, though, was Amane, catching his partner before he hit the ground.

"Stubborn as ever, Kaoru-kun," he muttered, too low for anybody to hear. "What ever am I going to do with you?" Apparently, for now the answer was 'lift up and carry away from the courts'.

Kaidoh could expect a severe talking-to from both his coach and captain once he woke up. After somebody had made sure he hadn't got any serious damage, of course.

Before that, though, they'd have to get Amane to let go of him.

* * *

"Don't scare me like that again," Amane said, glaring at his doubles partner. "Two times during one match. Even if it is doubles, not everything has to be doubled!" 

The resulting hit was somewhat halfhearted. "I'm just fine," Kaidoh hissed. "You idiots just won't accept that."

"Sure you are fine," Amane snorted. "They found it necessary to take you to a hospital and do scans on your head to make sure nothing's broken in there just for fun."

"And there was nothing wrong, remember?" Kaidoh pointed out. "Just a light concussion, fsshuuu. Eiji-senpai played with one, too, and was just fine. I don't understand why you make such a big fuss of this."

"He didn't faint after the match, though." Amane was merciless. "With the two singles victories, we're continuing in the tournament, and we can't do that if we don't have both doubles teams. Therefore, you have to stay 'just fine' for the next match, too."

"Fsshuuu." Kaidoh glared at him. "How do you know we have two victories in singles? Singles Two isn't even over yet, you idiot."

"And you think your captain'd lose after that?" The brown-haired boy sounded rather skeptical.

Kaidoh didn't have anything to say to that, so he stayed quiet. Then, after a while, "I'm fairly sure this isn't what the idiot meant."

"Hm?" Amane raised an eyebrow. "He told me to make sure you don't get yourself hurt anymore, and with you, the only way to do that is to hold onto you."

"Fsshuuu." Kaidoh sank back against the other's chest. "Is this still necessary?"

Amane glanced around at the somewhat shocked looks at their teammates' faces and the half amused, half amazed one at his captain's face. Then he looked back at Kaidoh who was currently sitting between his legs, held tightly in place by his arms. "No, it isn't," he said. "But it's damn amusing."

"The worst joke of yours ever," Kaidoh said. There was a hint of a blush on his cheeks, like there had been ever since Amane took a hold on him and dragged him down into this position. "And that's saying a lot."

"Have more faith in me, Kaoru-kun." Amane grinned, drawing the other boy just a bit closer. "I'm always able to do worse."

"Oh?" Kaidoh raised an eyebrow. "How can this get any worse than this?"

"Well," Amane said, "I could always kiss you..." And, while this was still in the process of sinking in, he finished, "In front of your captain, of course."

How Kaidoh managed to hit him on the head so hard in his current position was a mystery.

* * *

Once it had begun, the practice tournament didn't last long. Due to most other teams being weakened by the loss of their strongest players the Seigaku-Rokkaku team had little trouble with maintaining their victory streak after beating the Fudoumine-St. Rudolph's team. In the end, however, it was the time to say good-bye – a triumphant good-bye, maybe, but still good-bye. 

"See you at the Kantou tournament!" Aoi said cheerfully. "We'll wait for you at the finals!"

"Don't get too full of yourself!" Momoshiro replied. "Girls don't like gloaters, they don't like gloaters at all."

"Fsshuuu, like you'd know anything about that," Kaidoh muttered. "...We played well, Amane."

"The only undefeated doubles pairing at the tournament is indeed well," the other replied with a smirk. "Our efforts didn't go down a well." And, then, "Ouch."

"Shall I hit you another time just in advance?" Kaidoh asked with a non-hostile glare. "You know, just to spare your teammates."

"I think that's quite enough." The not-really-glare was returned with a smile. "See you, then, Kaoru-kun."

"See you, Hikaru-kun."

As the Rokkaku players had finally left, Momoshiro grinned at his vice-captain, who was still staring after the bus. "You know, I called Inui-senpai the other day," he said teasingly. "Do you want to know the chances of a long-distance relationship working out?"

Amane may not have got another hit, but there was definitely one left for Momoshiro.

* * *

The telephone, Kaidoh decided, was one of the greatest inventions of the mankind. The Internet was great too, especially the instant messengers, but there were some things mere text just couldn't convey well enough. They had planned setting up web cameras, but for now, the telephone it was. 

And what good news such a small piece of technology could bring.

"My father's been promoted," Amane told. "This also means he's going to be transferred – to Tokyo. It obviously means I'll have to change schools, too."

Kaidoh smiled, then, a true smile that would have scared the hell out of his teammates. It disappeared soon, but it had been there. "There might be a school that can use another player who can tell the ball from the racquet."

"If I do go to Fudoumine I'll probably have to play against you at some point, though."

"...You are so lucky I'm not within hitting distance from you right now."

"Save that for two weeks from now, Kaoru-chan."

"Don't call me 'chan'."

"Sorry. I must have channeled my mother, Kaoru-chan."

"...That's it. Don't bother to come here at all, fsshuuu."


End file.
